Ask Michele Anything: For the Love of Money

When it comes to money and relationships, it can be like peeling an onion — there are far more layers than meet the eye. In my decades of work as a Finance Therapist, I’ve seen so many ways our psychology can influence the ways we view and handle money, which only gets amplified in the context of our relationships.

So today I’m fielding questions from you, the Earnin community, about the ways our relationships impact our finances and vice versa. Hopefully they leave you with more tools for navigating finances in and out of your own relationships and the confidence to take control of how your money moves.

The short answer is: we don’t. But we can absolutely evolve beyond them.

Just like we can’t unlearn to read or add 1+1, we can’t simply unlearn habits. Which hopefully takes a bit of pressure off. What we can do is become aware of our habits and redirect them into positive new ones.

The truth is, no matter how detrimental “bad” habits are overall, they’re there to serve a function, an attempt at creating relief or comfort that ends up backfiring. Overspending or other financial mismanagement is usually simply misplaced stress reduction that results in more stress.

For parents, that mismanagement often comes from a desire to do the best for their children in the only way know how from their own life experiences. If you’re asking how to break that cycle, you’re already well on the path toward something better.

Here are three steps to help overcome habits inherited from our parents:

1. Recognize the coping mechanisms. Personal growth starts with recognizing our habits for what they are — predictable stress coping mechanisms — and focusing on why we have them, not trying to unlearn them. What do your financial stress coping mechanisms look like?

2. Forgiveness. You don’t have to forgive to heal, but we sure heal much faster when we can forgive ourselves and others (i.e. parents) for financial stresses tied to learned habits. Letting go of shame and blame clears the path to move forward optimistically.

3. Ownership. Taking ownership doesn’t mean burdening yourself with blame, it means liberating yourself with a plan. That means identifying habits you’d like to form and holding yourself accountable for acting on them, using all the tools at your disposal — like budgeting and same-day pay — to get it done. This puts the power back in your hands and builds your trust in yourself.

Recognizing the ways your parents' habits impacted yours is commendable. Now, you can transform those habits into a passion for creating stability and wealth — for yourself and for anyone in your life learning habits from you. You got this!

It’s definitely an emotional challenge to balance the feeling of obligation to our families with the need to build our own financial futures. And in many cultures, it would be akin to a slap in the face to not support your family financially.

This is a tough situation, but setting your own terms on things can do wonders, whichever direction you go. Here are some things to consider:

1. You deserve to build generational wealth. Updating your family’s financial patterns is not just your right but your responsibility — both to yourself and to any generations that follow you. That means prioritizing your own financial well-being. So start there. You absolutely deserve it.

2. Look for win-wins. You might have a modest budget right now, but as a family, explore different ways to pool your funds for a high-yield savings account or a real estate holding. Set up an LLC or trust fund where you are 99% owner and any future real estate can be held. Then you can have family live in the real estate, or rent it out, allowing them to benefit as you accrue equity. There are often more options than you think, especially when you team up. And the years will pass either way, so dream big.

3. Build momentum. If you can put any amount of money aside every month, the earnings from those investments can eventually become the source of your funds to your family. I’m personally a big fan of index funds. You can also use tools like EarnIn to help stay on budget, and invest extra funds, however small. EWA also helps avoid late fees, interest payments, and overdraft fees to keep you moving toward your goals. And if investing is too much to consider right now, you can also look into low-stress side hustles like Outschool where you can do things like teach a second language part-time online. These suggestions are also great options to share with your family.

Above all, setting clear boundaries around family for yourself will make every step of the journey easier by taking out a lot of the guesswork. While it’s commendable to want to help your family, giving more than your means allow will usually backfire for both parties. If your family taught you the value of unity, perhaps this is your chance to teach them the value of healthy, loving boundaries.

Volumes of psychological journals and books are written on this topic because it’s one of the toughest lessons out there, and you’re far from alone in needing help with it. Many people simply have a hard time saying no to anyone. And the very people asking for financial help are often the ones closest to us, which makes saying no even harder. But when we spend based on others’ whims, we lose self-esteem over time and ultimately our financial footing. So you’re on the right track if you’re looking for ways to regain control of your financial well-being.

Here’s what you can do:

1. Practice delayed gratification. When we delay gratification, we lower the dopamine “hit” that we get from both people-pleasing and spending. This trains our brains to not depend on that hit, so we can make decisions for ourselves. Tell whoever’s asking for money that you’ll think about it and get back to them in 24-48 hours. If they push back, they’re not respecting your boundary. Stand firm and delay. It’ll be easier to make a decision and to say no in a day or two, if you choose. And you know that good feeling you get when you stand your ground? That’s dopamine too. That’s you building a healthy new habit of self-preservation. Well done.

2. Develop assertiveness skills. It’s not unkind to be assertive. There’s no need for aggression, but you also do not need to apologize for drawing healthy boundaries either. Instead of, “I’m sorry I can’t go out, I’m tight on money…” try, “That doesn’t work for me, but have a great time!”

3. Exercise mindfulness. Whether it’s meditation, prayer, or simple breathing exercises, find what gets you centered. That mindfulness puts us in touch with what we really want. If you want to save money and stop funding friends and family, listen to yourself. When they text, do not reply right away. When they call, and you know it’s going to be money-related, take a beat and call them back when you feel grounded. Find the space you need to act from your own integrity, not their desires.

Of course, every situation and every day is a little different, so there will be many times when it feels right to say “yes.” What’s important is that those yeses don’t violate your boundaries or derail you from your goals.

Another tough one! Managing anxiety, situational depression, and uncertainty all at once is no cakewalk, even for the most disciplined among us. You might also be in the early phases of mourning.

In the instance of a sick pet, here are a few things you can do:

1. Seek assistance. I know it’s emotionally straining, and you are juggling two worlds right now, but an important first step is to seek financial assistance programs before paying. For a sick pet, there are some nonprofits and animal rescues that might be able to help. These organizations often get steep discounts and have close relationships with local veterinarians. SPCA is another organization that wants to help pet owners and often have grant and donor money earmarked to help.

2. Pet insurance. If your pet still qualifies (which they still could!), get pet insurance. This can help with later complications, illnesses, or unforeseen scenarios.

3. Ask the vet. Ask your veterinarian's office if they offer payment plans or discounts for people who are tight on funds, many offer both, and most offer at least one.

4. Make a wish. For your next birthday, anniversary, or holiday, ask that family and friends donate to your pet’s health plan. Your circle likely knows you’re struggling with a sick pet, and are often more than happy to support. You could even ask for an early birthday gift, for instance, “I know my birthday is months away, but if you were thinking about a gift, what would mean the most to me is a contribution to help manage my vet bills for [pet’s name].” At the very least, this will open up the conversation.

5. Bridge the gap. Instead of waiting for a paycheck, use a tool like EarnIn to help pay for the unexpected pet emergency without going into debt or dipping into savings.

Parents, loved ones, and even pets can have a profound influence on our attitudes and experiences when it comes to money. Taking charge of your financial mindset, promoting boundaries, and using tools like EarnIn puts the power back in your hands so you can carve your own path forward toward stability and success.